Jurassic World Review

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I know I’m super late on this post, I saw the movie like a week and a half ago but never got the chance to write about it. But right now I’m super energized from having to murder the biggest fucking spider I have ever seen so I figured I might as well do something productive.

First off, this movie bored the hell out of me. I NEVER take bathroom breaks during movies but I took THREE during this dud (granted that could be attributed to the two glasses of Riesling I chugged beforehand, but still I didn’t even make the effort to hold it). Jurassic World was a plethora of clichés and unnecessary characters. For example the two brothers: completely pointless. Just a horny teenager who creepily stares at every single girl he sees. Then there’s Bryce Dallas Howard’s completely useless character who is dumb as shit and can’t even tell that the giant fucking dinosaur thingy didn’t actually escape but is still in its tiny ass cage. Then there’s the totally convenient abilities of the weird giant white dinosaur thingy who can apparently turn invisible/camouflage and is super fast and just generally won’t die, not to mention it’s somehow a super genius and is smart enough to fake an escape.

Last but not least there’s Chris Pratt in possibly his most humorless role yet. I love Chris Pratt because he’s funny and likable, however in this film he was nothing but a hunky raptor trainer who somehow knew everything there is to know about hunting dinosaurs. Speaking of raptors, that whole part where the raptors turn on Owen and follow the giant freaky dinosaur was completely pointless since like two minutes later they turn against it and follow Owen again so WTF.

All in all this movie was basically just a two hour rip-off of the latest Godzilla movie that tried waaay too hard to play on our nostalgia for the original film.

Whenever you have to rely solely on the guy from New Girl as comedic relief, you’re in trouble.

Verdict: 6/10 Don’t waste your time.

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